The remains of a woman

It’s very quiet when she is not around. One can breathe slowly, walk slowly, and act slowly. When she enters a room, the papers run into their folders. The dust on the tables flies away to avoid her encounter. She walks very fast; it would be more logical for her to run. But she does not run, neither can one call that walking. She moves so fast, that you can almost hear her shadow crying to catch its breath. When she is talking to you, she never looks you in the eye because her mind is usually somewhere else. She doesn’t always mean to offend you, but she can’t help her nonstop brain. She never finishes a sentence and never leaves you to finish yours either. It's hard to identify her mood since mood swings require different moods. But with her, it’s a default mood. The rushing, on the run, furious mood. Her eyes are always wide open; they rarely blink. When she eats, she doesn’t taste the food. Her teeth attack whatever enters her mouth and tears it down into pieces. Enjoying a fine meal is not one of her hobbies. One wonders what kind of dreams she has at night. Does she even dream? What is it exactly that she is rushing to? What is it that she is after. Someone should save her. Someone should hug her and murmur “shhhh” to her ears. She must pause and take a deep breath or else one day her body will rebel against her; asking for its overdue lost rights.

وكأنك يا زيد ما غزيت

ايوة يا عيد.. انا اخوك عبيد

قبل ما تقفل السكة اسمع...جايز أفيد

والله ما نزلني الميدان الا ابنك زيد

 اللي ضربه ابن الباشا بالشبشب والابابيب

فاكر يومها قلت ايه ولا نسيت؟

"والله لاجيب حقك يابني وعن قريب"

يومها حلفت لساندك ياخويا وأقف قدام اتخن تخين

جرينا عل عسكر يجيب حقنا ورجعنا افانا يقمر عيش

فاتت جمعة والتانية وفاتت سنة سنتين

وانا لسا عند كلمتي بس انت اتلهيت

وضحكت على نفسك وقلت المسامح كريم

يا عيد انت لا مسامح ولا انت كريم

انت خفت على فوت يومك والبهيمتين

وزيد ابنك هزيمتة بقيت هزيمتين

مبقاش فاهم ايه غلطة وايه اللي خلا منه بكره بقرشين

اياك يابن امي وابويا تصدق الكدبتين

اللي بيتقالو على الناس اللي في الميادين

لو نزلت وشفت يا عيد راح تلاقي 20 مليون زيد

لو انت اتخليت عني هيضيع حق احفاد وزيد

وتضيع البهيمتين ويضيع الغيط

وكأنك يا زيد ما غزيت

Sara and Khaled

 A toast for love

Sara and Khaled

• The words that come out of you are full of life. I can hear them breathe. Your words are living beings that keep me company through lonely days.

• I love it when you win; I love it more because you let me play. You know I don’t seek triumph; I only want to know that I'm allowed to play.

• You see me and yet it doesn’t scare me. When I am with you, I find myself taking off the many layers I learnt to wear to protect me from the tricks of time and still I am as warm as a hot chocolate.

• Don’t worry about my love to you when you are away. I recall our moments -all kinds of moments -and I love you more.

• I am surprised...I solved your riddle and I still want to be around you. This doesnt happen to me a lot!

• You know my fears- the ones I know and the ones I don’t- and you show me how to beat the hell out of them. I know your fears- all of your fears- and I respect you more.

You know my ugliest mistake

You know my family crap

You know my dull side

You know the evil me

And you're still here

• Your presence in my life just makes sense. The timing, the reasons, the impact; it just makes sense.

   

• You are the greatest risk I've ever taken. Thank you for not ruining that for me…

محمد الدرة والمسيخ الدجال وفتاة التحرير

ايوة يا ماما يعني  إزاي بردو نبقى عارفين ان في واحد شرير اسمه المسيخ الدجال وان اللي هيسمع كلامه هيخش النار وبردو يبقى في ناس هتصدقه؟"

سألت هذا السؤال لأمي عندما حكت لي عن ما سيحدث قبل يوم القيامة وأنه سوف يأتي برجل يدعي النبوة ومن سيتبعه سيكون من الخاسرين. لم استطع تخيل ان هناك من البشر من سيتبع المسيخ الدجال مع اننا نسمع منذ الصغر انه  "شرير".

ولم اكن من المؤمنين بفكرة الحزبين- الحزب الطيب والحزب الشرير. بمعنى أصح لم أكن أؤمن بالأبيض والاسود فقط ولكن منذ بداية ثورة يناير وأنا ارى الأحداث أبيض واسود. كيف يمكن لشخص مؤمن بالعدل والخير أن يدافع بحرقة عن نظام فاسد؟ ووقتها فقط فهمت ان من يدافع عن الظلم يخترع الحجج ويركز في تفاصيل تجعله ينسى الصورة الكبيرة وبهذا يكون قد أرضى ضميره.

المدافع عن الباطل لا يقول لنفسه انه يدافع عن الباطل...ولكنه يرهق تفكيره في تفاصيل هدّامة..مثله مثل المحامي الفاسد الذي يسعى فقط وراء الثغرات التي تخرج موكله من ورطته بغض النظر عن ما اذا كان قد ارتكب الجريمة بالفعل ام لا.

ومن هنا ادركت ان من سيتبع المسيخ الدجال سيجد مليون سبب يجعله من المؤمنين به

تذكرت ايضا منظر محمد الدرة وهو بين احضان ابيه يتوسل ببكائه للجندي الاسرائيلي بأن يرحمه ويتركه يعيش ولكن قتله الجندي بكل قسوة وانعدام الانسانية...وحينها تسائلنا جميعا كيف يمكن لإنسان ان يقتل طفل اعزل وهو بين احضان ابيه؟ لا أحد اكترث لمعرفة سبب وجود محمد في هذا المكان وما اذا كان ابوه قد تعدى على هذا الجندي مثلا مما افقده وعيه وجعله يصوب بسلاحة في صدر الطفل لينتقم من الأب....فالمشهد كان واضح وصريح..لم نكن نحتمل سماع اي مبررات او شرح للموقف...كان موقف قاسي وهذا يكفينا

وبعد ذلك يأتي مشهد فتاة التحرير المسحولة ونراها امام أعيننا تُسحل وتتعرى وتُضرب بقسوة...كيف تمكن البعض بأن يتجاهل هذا المنظر ويعبث وراء سبب وجودها في المكان او سبب عدم ارتدائها لطبقة داخلية من الملابس او حتى اختيارها للون حمالة الصدر التي ارتدتها تلك المسكينة.

لو حدثت تلك الواقعة في فلسطين لكنا وجدنا هؤلاء الكفيفين يدافعون بحرقة عن شرف الأمة الاسلامية والعربية وكنا سنجدهم

يتوعدون للأجناد الاسرائليين بالثأر لشرفهم

...وهذا لأن الكلام عن الفضيلة أسهل بكثير من تطبيقها

   وهذا ايضا لأن ارتباطنا بالأديان ما هو الى قصص وروايات نقرأها ونفتخر بعظمة ادياننا وحين يأتي علينا الدور لإختيار حزب "الخير" ايأ  كان شكله ننسي تلك الروايات والقصص في ثوان وكأن غرض تداولها بين الأجيال كان للتسلية او التفاخر فقط

وتلك المواقف هي التي تبين للإنسان ما اذا كان سيتبع المسيخ الدجال ام لا

أسأل الله ان يلهمنا البصيرة والقوة لرؤية الحق كما هو عليه.

The Cigarette

She holds her cigarette tightly between her tiny fingers. She notices how conscious she is to not let it fall from her hand. She looks around to make sure no one is watching her as she struggles to look like a normal smoker. She inhales the smoke of her cigarette and breathes it out gradually. She smiles out of gladness to not have coughed this time. Little by little, she gains confidence and loosen her hand.

It had been 6 weeks since she had decided to start smoking. Actually she bought her first pack of cigarettes 6 weeks ago but she hadn’t opened it except recently; when she met her friends. She showed it to them on purpose and made it seem like an accident.

"Would u please get me my mobile from my purse….oh yes that’s my cigarettes..Yes I smoke, don’t you know already?" This was her way to tell her friends that she smokes now. As if t was a piece of news that should be circulated and debated. She knew she was going to be judged because whether some may like it or not, female smokers are not very much welcomed in our society. She had practiced this moment tens of times and was eagerly waiting for it. She enjoyed the surprise look on her friends' faces when they knew that she is a smoker now. To her, it wasn’t merely about adding one more habit to her other ones; no this was a "challenge" that she is up to.

At that particular moment she decided to open the pack and to smoke her first "public" cigarette in front of her friends. As she was lighting it, she crossed her fingers that the lighter wouldn’t let her down. Luckily, the cigarette was lit instantly. She smiled a bit and rested her back to the chair while her friends stared at her. She confidently breathed into the cigarette, while pretending to ignore her friends' stares; however, she started coughing heavily and loudly till tears came out of her eyes. Her friends burst out of laughter for some good minutes.  Her real tears mixed up with her suffocating ones as she grabbed her bag and left them behind.     

So I ate the Apple

"I ought to be" she said to her naked self. She yearned to stand up but her legs refused to obey her commands. . As she was trying to stand up, she felt a huge burden weighing her back down. "You ought to be", her legs said. While every part of her body rebelled against her, she totally collapsed and let go of her will.

"You! Naked self!" yelled the tree of a thousand eyes at her "Your time has arrived. You shall stand in front of all mortals. You will answer all of their questions. The thousand eyes stared at her; not one eye blinked and all of them carried the same judgmental look. Her gaze flew away out of fear and she laid her sight at her fragile feet. 

She gradually stood up like a lazy water fountain dancing for the first time. The earth was shaking under her as if monsters were racing.  She immediately realized that earth is mad at her.

"Hush!" the tree of a thousand eyes ordered the earth to stop shaking. "They are waiting for the naked self. For the last time in her existence, allow her to ride you".  The earth obeyed and so she walked.

It was night time. Her only source of light was the light coming out from the tree of a thousand eyes. She knew that the moon had refused to appear; she had heard him say "she ought to be". She sneaked a look around her to find emptiness. All mortals had travelled to the court arena to witness and participate in the First Trial. It was the greatest day since their existence. Whenever anyone had passed by the court arena, they were told that someday, a naked self will be trialed here.  With every step she took, a part of her clothes fell down.  She was about to be totally nude so she started to run to preserve the leftovers of her modesty.

The tree of a thousand eyes looked at her in despise and ordered her to enter the arena. She covered her body with her hands and stepped inside. She heard a lot of screams and shouting. All voices were calling her the naked self. Out of a sudden, every mortal started to throw apples at her. "Taste it, taste it, taste it" they all shouted simultaneously.

The tree of a thousand eyes looked at everyone in the eye and ordered them to be quiet. "The trial shall begin", it said. She was the convict and all mortals were the judge.

Up until she had arrived to the arena, she had wished for nothing but to die. Shame was her new name. She couldn’t forgive herself for eating the forbidden apple. She detested her soul and believed that she wasn’t worth living. She ought to be what she was expected to be. All mortals, animals, plants, and even demons expected her to be the moral self. They served her and worshipped her as long as she had preserved her sanity. But now, every being hates her and disrespects her. She wais no longer the moral self.

For some reason that she herself doesn’t know, her shame vanished away. She found herself looking up and facing them guiltlessly. For the first time since she had eaten the forbidden apple, she spoke.

"So I ate the apple!" Yes I ate the apple! Who of you haven’t? Tell me judge! Haven’t you eaten it before? Haven’t your lips kissed its soft surface? Haven’t your teeth crafted on its many layers? Haven’t your juices swum with its juice? Yes I ate the apple. I never asked you to name me the moral self. You hung on me your disability to be a moral self and expected me to fulfill your lazy dream. And now, because I ate an apple you call me naked? I refuse your judgment".

As her eyes challenged theirs, she realized that they are all naked. She remembered that they had always been naked. Animals, plants and demons don’t cover their bodies. As a matter of fact they don’t do anything at all. They don’t feel sad or mad or happy. They don’t love or hate. They don’t sing or scream. They don’t learn or teach.

This thought scared her to the bottom. "If this is the price of sanity, then I give it up" she murmured to herself. "If this is the price of sanity, then I give it up!!" she repeated her words loudly and firmly. "I ought to be what I already am and what I want to be".